Your Questions Answered #4

By Susan Esther Barnes

One of the fun things about getting website statistics for my blog is I get to see the search terms people use to get here. A lot of those search terms are questions. You have some great questions, and I think they deserve an answer. So here is the fourth installment of “Your Questions Answered.”


What is the relevance of kissing as a religious ritual?
I love this question. For one answer, look at the very first post
on my blog, in which I explain the meaning of the name of my blog and what it means to me when I kiss a mezuzah.

If you attend a synagogue service, most likely you will see Jews kiss ritual objects, such as the Torah scroll or the neckband of their tallit (prayer shawl) before they put it on. If a siddur (prayer book) falls on the ground, you might see a person kiss it right after they pick it up.

The relevance of the kiss is to show love and respect for the ritual object. It is a way to show that we recognize these things as holy, beyond the holiness we seek to acknowledge in everything and everyone.


What other people use the Torah?
In general, you will only see Jews using a Sefer Torah, or a Torah scroll, which is written on parchment in Hebrew, and contains the five books of Moses. The Hebrew Bible, or Tanach, contains everything in the Sefer Torah as well as the Prophets and the Writings.

Secular people and people of various religions study the Tanach for various reasons. The contents of the Hebrew Bible are included in the Christian Bible, so Christians “use” it, too, although the chapters are in a different order, and Christians usually read the Torah (they call it the “old testament”) in a translation instead of the original Hebrew and Aramaic.



What does “chevra” mean?
Chevra is Hebrew for “society” or a group of people. It comes from the Hebrew word for “friend.” A “chevra kadisha” is a “holy society.” This is the group of people who visit the sick, and who prepare the dead for burial, including ritually washing the body, dressing him/her, and placing the body in the casket.



Refua shlema translation
“Refua shlema” is Hebrew for a “complete healing.” You might also hear it said as a “healing of body and a healing of spirit.” A wish for a refua shlema can be applied to someone suffering from a physical or mental illness, or to someone who is in any kind of distress. It can be used to wish them comfort and spiritual strength even in cases where a physical healing appears unlikely.



How long does a mourning minyan last?
The first seven days after a loved one is buried is called the shiva period. The word “shiva” means “seven” in Hebrew. It is customary for the loved one’s family to hold shiva minyans during the mourning period. (A “minyan” is a group of 10 Jews, which is the minimum number required to say certain prayers).

The length of a shiva minyan service can vary, based on the number of prayers that are said, and how fast they are recited. Also, there is often time set aside during the service for friends and family to talk about the person who has died, and the amount of time used for that can vary.

If you are going to attend a shiva minyan, you can expect the service to last at least a half an hour, and probably not more than an hour. It may not start exactly on time, and you will probably want to allow yourself extra time to express your condolences to the family. In addition, depending on the customs of the community, many of those coming to the service may bring food for the family to eat, and there may be food set out for those coming to the service.



How to thank clergy for a shiva service
It’s great that someone in mourning is thinking about thanking the clergy. On the one hand, it’s their job to do this, and you don’t really need to thank them. On the other hand, they are human, and it’s nice for them to know they are not being taken for granted.

You would thank them just like you would for anything else. You can thank them verbally at the time of the service, or you can call them or send them a note afterward. You might also consider making a donation in memory of the deceased to the synagogue where the clergy person works.



Keep those questions coming!
I would love to answer more of your questions, so feel free to ask some in the comments section below, or just keep going with those interesting search terms.

Your Questions Answered #2

By Susan Esther Barnes

One of the fun things about getting website statistics for my blog is I get to see the search terms people use to get here. A lot of those search terms are questions. You have some great questions, and I think they deserve an answer. In February I answered some of your questions. Below are answers to some of the questions you have asked since then:


Is there a chevra kadisha for women?
A chevra kadisha, or holy society, is a group of people who take care of others in their community. They do things like visit people who are sick, bring them meals, write get-well notes, and comfort people in mourning. They also usually perform shmirah, watching over the dead before they are buried; and taharah, ritually washing dead people, dressing them, and placing them in their coffin. Generally, a chevra kadisha will include both men and women.


What do you say when kissing a mezuzah?
There is nothing that is traditionally said when one kisses a mezuzah. Rather than saying anything, I like to use it as an opportunity to take a moment to think about what kind of person I want to be in the world.


Can Jewish people kiss people on Friday?
First of all, it's helpful to remember that the Jewish sabbath does not begin until sundown on Friday, and it runs through Saturday at sundown. So kissing someone on Friday morning or afternoon is no different than kissing someone on any other weekday. If the question is whether Jews kiss people on Shabbat (the sabbath), the answer is yes. In fact, it's a mitzvah for married couples to make love on Shabbat. It gives us a taste of the world-to-come.


Do Jews like kissing?
Jews are human beings just like all other human beings. We like kissing every bit as much as non-Jews do.


Can Jews step on the gounds of another religion?
Yes. Sometimes our rabbi speaks at a church. I have attended weddings, funerals, and meetings at churches. We do not take communion when visiting a church, nor do we genuflect, kneel or bow toward statues of Jesus or other such religious symbols.


Do Reform Jews follow the mitzvot?
There is nobody on this planet who follows all 613 mitzvot. (See my post here for more information backing up this statement). There are also very few people (Jewish or non-Jewish) who follow none of them. For example, most of us (and by "us" I mean human beings) don't murder people, most of us don't commit incest, most of us don't smite our mother or father, etc.

There are also some mitzvot that people with good intentions try to follow, but, as human beings, we sometimes fail to live up to our own high standards. For instance, some mitzvot many Jews (and many non-Jews) try to follow are refraining from gossip, not lying, and not blaspheming. It would be hard - maybe even impossible - to find a person who had never done any of things.

So yes, Reform Jews follow the mitzvot, but not all of them, and not all the time. The same can be said of Jews from every other denomination as well.


What happens if you don't follow the 613 mitzvot?
One answer: Nothing. See above. Nobody follows all 613 mitzvot.

Another answer: The Torah says if we follow God's commandments then rain will fall in the proper season and other good things will happen, and that bad things will happen if we don't follow them. However, I think anyone who tries to explain bad things that happen by claiming it's because somebody (or some group of people) broke one or more commandments, or did anything else wrong, is barking up the wrong tree.

A third way of looking at it: Many of the commandments have to do with how to treat other people. The more people who follow those commandments and treat each other well, the better off we all are, because we're living in a kinder, better world. Other commandments bring meaning to our lives in other ways.

If we explore those commandments that may bring meaning into our lives and try to find ways to do them, we enrich our lives. If we break commandments by doing things we know are wrong (such as stealing), we feel guilty.

So my real answer is: If we don't at least try to follow the mitzvot that we find morally compelling and/or that bring meaning into our lives, we're missing out on something important, and our lives are diminished.


Do Reform Jews put up mezuzahs?
Many Reform Jews do put up a mezuzah on the doorpost of the front door of their home. Some Reform Jews put up additional mezuzot (the plural of mezuzah) as well. My understanding is that Orthodox Jews usually put up a mezuzah on the doorpost of most of the doors of their home, excluding doors to closets and restrooms (but I haven't been in homes of Orthodox Jews to confirm this).


Are tefillin only for men?
No. Women are not required by halacha (Jewsih law) to wear tefillin; neither are women forbidden by halacha to wear them. The first time women wore tefillin at the Kotel (Western Wall) in Jerusalem after the founding of Israel, the Orhtodox rabbi in charge of the Kotel at the time agreed that this is the case.


And my favorite "what were they thinking" search phrase was:

Vegetarian Mezuzah
We don't eat mezuzot. Mezuzot are incapable of eating. So there is no such thing as a vegetarian mezuzah.

Technically, the mezuzah is actually the scroll inside the case we see and kiss. To be kosher, the scroll must be made of parchment, which is made of animal skin. So I suppose the person who wrote "vegetarian mezuzah" was looking for a mezuzah which does not contain any animal parts. Unfortunately, they will not be able to find a kosher mezuzah without animal skin parchment.



Keep those questions coming!
I would love to answer more of your questions, so feel free to ask some in the comments section below, or just keep going with those interesting search terms.

Your Questions Answered

By Susan Esther Barnes

One of the fun things about getting website statistics for my blog is I get to see the search terms people use to get here. A lot of those search terms are questions. You have some great questions, and I think they deserve an answer. So below is a list of questions that have brought people here recently, and my answers to them:

Are Jews allowed in Space?
Not only are Jews allowed in space, there have already been Jews in space. You can read a somewhat outdated list of Jews in space here. Thanks to your question, I learned that the first Jew in space was a woman.

Can a Jew Change from Orthodox to Reform:
Yes, they can, and some do. This can be difficult, however, because many in the Orthodox community would find this upsetting, and the person changing from Orthodox to Reform will likely leave behind upset friends and family members. A Reform Jew can also change to Orthodox, with many of the same difficulties. This is mainly due to cultural differences and intolerance, which is very sad. I believe everyone should be free to worship in the way that works best for them personally, but unfortunately, not everyone feels that way.

Can a Person Eat Pork and Kiss a Jewish Person?
It's best to deal with this on an individual basis. An Orthodox Jew is not supposed to marry a non-Jewish person, and is not supposed to kiss someone to whom they are not married, so they shouldn't be kissing others who would be eating pork. There are other Jews who kiss - and marry - non-Jews, so before you kiss a Jewish person, you should probably ask whether they keep kosher, and how they would feel about you eating pork before kissing them.

Can Jewish People Kiss People of a Different Religion?
Yes! Again, an Orthodox Jewish person wouldn't, but the majority of Jews can. That being said, any time a person gets into a committed relationship with a person of another religion it can lead to tensions among friends and family, as well as disputes around the holidays and how to raise the kids, so think about the ramifications before you kiss someone of a different religion, whether or not they are Jewish.

Do Women Kiss the Mezuzah?
Yes! Jewish women of all denominations kiss mezuzahs.

How Big is a Mezuzah?
A mezuzah can come in many different sizes. Some are small enough to be worn as a pendant on a necklace. Some, like those on the gates leading to the Old City in Jerusalem, are quite large. I'd say the average mezuzah you'd see on most doorposts of modern-day houses are about 4 to 5 inches tall.

How is Intermarriage a Tragedy?
It isn't a tragedy. At all. The tragedy is when people treat intermarriage as a tragedy, thereby making other people feel bad when they shouldn't. Some people are afraid that intermarriage will lead to the kids of the marriage not being raised as Jewish, leading to there being fewer Jews, and possibly ultimately to the end of Jews altogether. I have never seen any statistics to show this is the case, and in fact I know of many intermarried couples who are successfully raising their children as Jews.

How do You Kiss a Mezuzah?
I kiss a mezuzah by touching the mezuzah with the tips of the fingers on one hand (usually my right hand), and then thinking of what kind of person I want to be in the world as I bring the fingers to my mouth and kiss them. Some people kiss their fingers first and then touch the mezuzah. Either way is fine.

Is it Disrespectful to Try Another Religion for a Day?
This is a hard one to answer. I don't know how one can "try" a religion for a day. You may want to consult with your clergy on this (if you are a member of a religion). It is certainly okay to attend a Jewish service (weekday service, Shabbat service, bar/bat mitzvah, wedding, funeral, etc.) if you are not Jewish. If you go to a synagogue, you may drink the wine no matter what religion you are (because in a synagogue the wine is just wine, and does not represent the blood of a religious figure, for instance).

If you are Jewish, it is okay to attend a service for another religion (Mass, wedding, funeral, etc.) as long as you don't break certain rules. For instance, you should not bow to an idol (and some may consider Christian statues to be idols) and you should not drink the wine or eat the wafers that are supposed to represent the blood and flesh of a religious figure.

For more information about attending services for another religion, see the book How to Be a Perfect Stranger edited by Stuart M. Matlins and Arthur J. Magida.



I hope this was as helpful to you as it was fun for me. I hope to answer more questions like this in the future, as I get more interesting questions from all of you. Feel free to post your questions in the comments section below, or just keep using those search engines!

Mezuzahs on the Doorposts of Gentiles

By Susan Esther Barnes

Because of the name of my blog, I just had to comment on this.

The New York Times recently published an article about Gentiles (non-Jews) in New York who have mezuzahs on their doors. Apparently, this is a result of Jews who put up the mezuzah(s), then subsequently died or moved out, leaving their mezuzah(s) behind.

For various reasons, the new occupants of many homes have left them up. Based on the article, it appears some like their decorative qualities, while others are concerned about the mark that would be left if the mezuzah were removed, particularly in places where the doorway has been painted over, leaving another color underneath.

At first, I didn’t see this as a big issue, but then I realized how irresponsible it is of the previous owners, or in the case of those who died, whoever was supposed to take care of their personal effects after their death.

After all, a mezuzah is an important ritual object. Technically, although we call the container we see on the doorpost the mezuzah, my understanding is that the actual mezuzah is the scroll inside which has certain specific passages from the Torah written on it.

The mezuzah therefore has the name of God written on it, and nothing with the name of God is supposed to be thrown in the trash. If it is damaged or needs to be discarded for some reason, it is supposed to be buried.

It seems highly unlikely that a Gentile, no matter how well intended, will know the proper way to dispose of a mezuzah once it is no longer wanted. So, no matter whether the new occupant wants to keep it for a while, or gets rid of it right away, the chances are good the mezuzah will not receive the proper burial it deserves.

If someone puts a mezuzah up, then unless they know the home will subsequently be occupied by other Jews, they should take it down when they leave. When a Jewish person dies, if they are the only Jewish person in that home, their mezuzah(s) should be removed by their family members or whoever is taking care of their affairs.

And even if you don’t think it’s a big deal whether or not a mezuzah is buried once it’s no longer going to be used, read how the NYT article ends:

Connie Peirce… said she often wished she had inherited a mezuza like many of her non-Jewish neighbors did... To her delight, one of her Jewish neighbors recently hung a mezuza on her doorway. “Every time I come home and remember, I kiss it and touch it and then I bless myself, saying, ‘In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.’ ”

So, the mezuzah, the holy scroll which begins with the words, “Sh’ma Yisrael, Adonai eloheynu, Adonai Echad – Hear Israel, Adonai is our God, Adonai is one,” the central Jewish expression of God’s unity, is being caressed by someone while they are asserting that God is a trinity.

Now that’s just wrong.

To Kiss a Mezuzah

By Susan Esther Barnes

In my daily life I try to practice what Carl Rogers calls holding people in "unconditional positive regard." In most situations this requires little effort on my part; it really just means giving myself a mental nudge in the right direction if I begin to think critically about someone. In some situations, or around certain people, it takes a good deal more conscious effort and energy on my part to maintain my positive regard.

When I kiss the mezuzah on the way out of my home in the morning (or when I encounter one elsewhere during the day), I try not to touch it automatically or without thought. Rather, I always try to do it with intention. For that moment, while my hand travels to the mezuzah, I think about how I want to be in the world, and my intention to treat everyone I meet that day with unconditional positive regard. As I bring my hand to my lips, I remind myself that it is my intention to strive toward being the very best that I can be.

Sometimes, at some point during the day I walk into what is a difficult situation for me. It may be that I'm working with someone whose personality hits my hot buttons, or I'm feeling stressed, or it's a situation in which people have differing but passionate views. In those situations, I try to focus on the intention I had when I touched the mezuzah that morning. Sometimes, I find in that place in time there is nothing but me, and the others in the room, and my positive regard for them. And what flows from that is always good. It is as if when I touched the mezuzah that morning I drew out a little extra bit of the will to do good from it, and when I touched my lips I placed that will and ability inside me. In those moments I know, for that day at least, that I have truly have kissed the mezuzah.